Date: 2009-04-27 15:10 Subject: LJ vs Facebook Security: Public

Haven't posted for ages. Probably won't for some time. For some reason Facebook seems to have taken over. It's kinda more immediate. I may revisit as Facebook, in effect, is very shallow in it's ability to express one self.


Jim and Emma's wedding was very good. Must encourage other people to get married at that venue. It just really works.

Date: 2009-03-05 15:23 Subject: Chickens!!! Security: Public

For those not in the 'know'. We now have 8 rescue chickens surrounded by electric fencing.

It's kinda cool.

Issues that have arisen:
1) Electric fences and dogs do not mix. Dog is now terrified of that area, which is good.

2) Talk to your neighbours BEFORE you site the chickens along one side of the garden. We may have to move them a bit further up into the garden or even the woods. Depends if he perceives them as being noisy. No cocks so should be ok.

3) Think we should have locked them in the coop for a day. They are not using it at the moment.


4) No eggs yet!!!!

Date: 2009-02-13 11:30 Subject: Friday Joke Security: Public

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the
first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding
bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was
a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'




My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled
and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign
attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'


My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more
than twice a week! .........You could learn a
lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that
said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and
said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'



My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable, and I should eventually make a full
recovery.

Date: 2009-01-28 10:47 Subject: Dominoes Security: Public

Last night was our n00b night. It was fun, but we usually order in Pizza. Dominoes had a BOGOF offer going. So we order 6 pizza's. After placing my order for 6 pizza's, turns out you can use one voucher per order. So they make me change the order to 2 pizzas, then insist I call back 2 more times.

2 minutes later, 2nd call, I thankfully persuade the guy that this is ridiculous and to let me put an order for 4 pizzas through.

Food arrives, it's the first order only.....the other 4 pizzas arrive 15 minutes later. TWO minutes is all they had to wait. TWO.

Anyway life goes on, but that is f'n rediculous.

Date: 2009-01-13 13:48 Subject: I have an idea... Security: Public

http://www.shapeways.com/

Not exactly sure how I'm going to use this site...but I will find a way.

Date: 2008-12-04 10:44 Subject: THE INTERNATIONAL COUNCIL OF MAN LAWS Security: Public

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'



I hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Man Laws

Date: 2008-11-21 14:46 Subject: Long post but some very good images indeed Security: Public

Removed links and what is an lj cut?

Date: 2008-11-11 14:26 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

http://www.weightcomparison.com/all-weights.php

Thankfully I am no longer 19st 10, a Baby Walrus + Pot Bellied Pig.

What are you?

Date: 2008-11-10 11:02 Subject: Chemistry Security: Public

Can anyone with a lab please send me some of this stuff in the post please

Date: 2008-11-07 15:10 Subject: A Short Love Story Security: Public

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other
people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
Transcontinental train ~ he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both
very tired and fell asleep quickly....

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am,I'm
sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket?? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea' he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

Date: 2008-11-07 14:00 Subject: Cool Buildings Security: Public

http://villageofjoy.com/50-strange-buildings-of-the-world/

Date: 2008-11-06 11:05 Subject: Lidl Spam Security: Public

I like Lidl for the unique products it offers.

This week they have surpassed themselves.

Potted plants, a wall mounted loo brush (????) and a chunder collector (they call it a facial sauna). Brilliant.

http://www.lidl.co.uk/uk/home.nsf/pages/c.o.20081113.index.ar6?OpenDocument&resetFilialDaten=1&id=198&zipcode=BA3%202DL&city=Somerset&city2=Midsomer%20Norton&street=39%20High%20Street&ar=6

Date: 2008-11-04 13:44 Subject: The difference between Man and Woman Security: Public

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.


I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset


At the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.


I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.'


I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.



He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.


On the way home, I told him that I loved him.


He smiled slightly, and kept driving.


I can't explain his behavior.


I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.


He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.


He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.


About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.


To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.


But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.


He fell asleep - I cried.


I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.


My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:


The boat wouldn't start today and I can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.

Date: 2008-10-28 14:25 Subject: Things that happened to me over the weekend. Security: Public

1) Decided to use an axe to create channels to plant a lot of tulips. Axed through the internet. Weirdly phone still worked.
2) Stayed at a friends who had two chickens. Betty ate one. Not good, but it's within her nature and it really wasn't her fault. We thought all the chickens were put away. Hasn't changed the fact I want chickens, however happy now to have battery rescue chickens. This will at least allow me to introduce Betty to them and train her not to go for them.
3) Went to Longleat on Monday after Internet is repaired. Beautiful day, with clouds in the distance. Halfway around the f*ck-off huge maze, we get hit by rain and hail.

Date: 2008-10-24 10:25 Subject: Fires Security: Public

One thing I have learnt....
A roaring fire is a cold fire. I'd always thought that opening up the vents would create more heat, but all it does is push more air through and up the chimney.

If you want a hot fire you need to 'slow' the burn down.

Now stop thinking about and go make yourself a fire. Not to close to your computer. They really don't like it.

Date: 2008-10-22 11:14 Subject: 2 sets of jokes Security: Public

1)
The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'what can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .'

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, 'Holy Father, are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!' 'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

2) Body Stats
Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscle s to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

Date: 2008-10-15 10:05 Subject: Becoming an arborologist Security: Public

After investigation, watching youtube videos, and even going to sites like www.arbtalk.co.uk last night, I think I've come to the conclusion that climbing a tree with a chainsaw is a job that should be done by somebody with 3+ years training and a hell of a lot of experience.